


Emotion, Yet Peace

by zarabithia



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-24 16:03:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14957732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zarabithia/pseuds/zarabithia
Summary: Qui-Gon does not die on Naboo. That gives Obi-Wan time to sort out his feelings. Anakin both helps and complicates the matter.





	Emotion, Yet Peace

**Author's Note:**

  * For [DuaeCat](https://archiveofourown.org/users/DuaeCat/gifts).



The living quarters are not supposed to be for three people. Jedi do not take more than one Padawan on at a time. More importantly, Jedi do not strive to live a life full of luxury. The small quarters in the temple that Obi-Wan has shared with Qui-Gon for twelve years have never seemed roomy, but these days, they feel increasingly cramped. 

These days, they have a third person within their cramped space. While they wait on the Council to make a decision about what to do with Anakin's training, Qui-Gon is getting much needed healing. The fight with Darth Maul left him physically exhausted. 

Obi-Wan, of course, could not leave him. 

While Qui-Gon sleeps on the small bed, Obi-Wan begins to prepare a meal. He's made mostly soups the past four days, and that will be the meal of the day again. 

The newest arrival to their dwelling looks up from the text he'd been reading to see that Obi-Wan is cooking. The child is always helpful, whenever he can be, and he quickly runs over to stand at Obi-Wan's side. 

"Can I help?" he asks. 

"Have you ever chopped kebroot?" Obi-Wan asks. 

Anakin shakes his head, and Obi-Wan sees a reluctance there, in his desire not to show that he doesn't know how to do something. That is something that will have to be unlearned as a Jedi, though Obi-Wan supposes it had been a survival instinct as a slave.

"Well, here, let me show you. It's not difficult. It comes from the planet Alderaan, and is the basis of many of their stews," Obi-Wan tells him. 

Anakin watches as Obi-Wan slices through the first kebroot. The child is a gifted and talented learner, and rarely has to be shown something twice. When Obi-Wan hands the knife over to him, Anakin repeats the gestures effortlessly. 

"Very good, Anakin," he tells him. 

Anakin flashes him a quick smile. "Obi-Wan... no. Master Kenobi...right?" 

"I'm afraid that's all rather up for debate at the moment, youngling," he tells Anakin. "I've not yet taken the trials, so I am not a Jedi knight.”

“Master Qui-Gon says you probably won’t have to take the trials because you killed the Sith.” 

“Perhaps. Regardless, you are not yet a Padawan. Our official titles allow room for confusion at the present." 

Anakin wrinkles his nose. "Then what am I supposed to call you?" 

"Obi-Wan will do for now. When circumstances change, we can renegotiate. Agreed?" 

"That's fair. Lots more fair than anything was on Tatooine," Anakin says. 

There is a bit of darkness around the child when he speaks about his home world. Obi-Wan doesn't quite know how to address it, but he knows that it should be. He has seen enough of Anakin's skill and kindness that he no longer believes the child is dangerous. But he knows that anyone who follows the Force has the ability to become that way. 

"That's very good, Anakin. Let's put it in the pot, shall we?" 

"Sure. What's that blue stuff?" 

"It's ruica," Obi-Wan tells him. "It's also from Alderaan." 

"Alderaan sure has a lot of vegetables. It must look a lot more like Naboo than Tatooine." 

"Mm. It has a lot more mountains than Naboo. Naboo is a bit more humid, as well. And snow - " Obi-Wan stops abruptly because something occurs to him. "Anakin, have you ever seen snow?" 

Anakin looks at him curiously. "What's snow?" 

Well, that simply won't do. "I think when we are done here, that will be your next project. Look up snow and tell me everything you can about it." 

"Everything?" 

"Mm. Snow and ice," Obi-Wan decides. "They often go together." 

"Ice is something that makes drinks cold," Anakin supplies. "The pilots all wanted it, and they rarely got it." 

"I bet. But ice has other occurrences as well, though you are not wrong." 

Obi-Wan puts the ruica into the pot and gives it a stir. Anakin watches him for a moment, then goes back to his studies. Obi-Wan puts a lid on the pot and goes to check on Qui-Gon. 

He's still asleep. 

"Sleeping's good," Anakin tells Obi-Wan. "You shouldn't be worried. It means he's healing."

Obi-Wan knows this is true, but he also knows that he has felt Qui-Gon's blood on his hands, and that is a difficult feeling to shake from his memory. So he smiles at Anakin as much as he can, waits for the stew to finish cooking, and sits at Qui-Gon's bedside.

* * *

When Qui-Gon wakes, Anakin has left them both for the library. 

"The boy?" Qui-Gon asks groggily. 

"He's with Luminara," Obi-Wan replies. "Let me get you some stew."

Qui-Gon groans. "You are an accomplished cook, my young Padawan, but my stomach is not quite up for more stew." 

"I'm not a Padawan any longer," Obi-Wan says, a bit more abruptly than he supposes is necessary.

Qui-Gon's hand reaches for his. It feels ... secure. Comforting. Confusing. 

"No. You are a mature Jedi Knight who has slain a Sith who was beyond even me. But old habits are a bit hard to break." 

Qui-Gon's breathing is heavy, and he lets go of Obi-Wan's hand. By the time that Obi-Wan returns with the soup, Qui-Gon is asleep again. Obi-Wan sits down beside him and wishes for some ale to go with his stew.

* * *

The next day, Anakin is sitting next to the bed and quite animatedly telling Qui-Gon all about _snow._

"I don't know that I'll like it," he says. "It's cold."

"Mm, that it is," Qui-Gon agrees. "So cold that if you stay in it too long, it can cause your death."

Obi-Wan tries not to flinch at the mention of people dying. He is marginally successful. 

"It's cold in space, too. And I don't like the cold in space. So maybe I won't like snow. But ... it looks like fun, too." 

"It can be," Qui-Gon says. "You should ask Obi-Wan about his adventures with snow. He has quite a few to tell, thanks to his good friend Quinlan Vos." 

"Who is Quinlan Vos?" Anakin asks. 

Obi-Wan doesn't know why he is irritated. The child is nine years old and being angry at a nine year old is foolish. It's worse than that, and honestly, Obi-Wan needs to meditate. 

He can't, though, so he gets up to make another pot of stew. 

He can feel Qui-Gon's gaze on him, but since there are no words to accompany it, Obi-Wan ignores it.

* * *

Anakin comes to help. Of course he does. 

"My mom had to make snake stew once," Anakin tells Obi-Wan as he looks at the ingredients on the counter.

"That sounds ... questionable." 

"Our rations were cut a lot that week. Watto's business was slow, and he punished us for it." Anakin shrugs as if he is quite used to that being his life, and Obi-Wan supposes he is. "Worms are better. Especially live ones." 

"Well... that is a delicacy I won't be trying soon," Obi-Wan says, but there is no heat to his voice. His earlier irritation at Anakin has left, and he isn't altogether sure why it had ever been there in the first place. 

Anakin regards him for a moment. "You aren't mad at me anymore." It isn't a question.

"I wasn't... mad at you before."

Anakin holds up a Charbote root and a knife. "You were too. Does this get cut or thrown in the pot?" 

"Cut in three pieces. And I have no reason to be angry at you, Anakin. You have done nothing to deserve it." 

Anakin looks at him as if he has the reasoning abilities of a bantha, but he begins to chop the root regardless. "You know, on Tatooine, there was a lady named Chayera and she was really nice. But sometimes, she would get irritated when I came around."

"I was _not_ irritated."

"Anyway, she only got irritated at me when I showed up and interrupted time with her boyfriend. Is that why you're irritated when I talk to Qui-Gon?" 

Obi-Wan nearly drops the knife he is using to cut the Ojomian onion. "What? No!" 

From the look on Anakin's face, Anakin may think he has _less_ brains than a bantha.

* * *

This time, when Qui-Gon awakens, the stew is a bit on the cooler side, and Anakin has taken a trip to the gardens with Master Plo. 

"Is he doing well?" Qui-Gon asks when he awakens. 

"He's with Master Plo. So he's probably better off now than he is when he's with us," Obi-Wan says truthfully.

Qui-Gon gives a crooked smile, and Obi-Wan's stomach flips as though the flying mealworms found Dagobah had suddenly taken up residence inside him. Obi-Wan has no idea why that might be, but for some reason, he thinks of Anakin's words from earlier in the day.

"Earlier, when you were making stew together, I thought I heard you raise your voice. Was there a problem?" 

Obi-Wan sighs and glances down. "I'm sorry for disturbing you, Master. I should have learned to control my outbursts more carefully by now, especially when you need sleep so badly." 

Qui-Gon makes a scoffing sound in the back of his throat. "You have nothing to apologize for, Obi-Wan. You've been through so much in such a short time. Between finding the Chosen One, killing a Sith, taking care of your bed-ridden old Master, and guarding my new Padawan, you've had to deal with much more than most Jedi do in an entire lifetime in less than four days." 

It's so gentle and kind, and Obi-Wan can feel the overwhelming affection coming from Qui-Gon through their bond. It makes him feel something new, unfamiliar, and slightly terrifying. Which is ridiculous - it isn't as though Qui-Gon has not been kind before. 

"Obi-Wan?" Qui-Gon's gaze is steady on him, as it always has been. "I know that springing Anakin on you ... has been a lot for you to ask. But truly, you are ready to be a knight. I believe that. You must not think that I am abandoning you." 

"But you are leaving," Obi-Wan points out. 

"Why do you think that? Is that what is bothering you? You think our bond will be broken now that I have another Padawan? You aren't Xanatos, Obi-Wan, and the Dark Side will never come between us." 

"Knights do not work in pairs, Master. You know this as well as I do." 

"Mm. It is not unheard of. Mace and I frequently worked together in our younger days. Tahl and I did as well." 

The mention of Tahl makes Obi-Wan take a deep breath.

"Obi-Wan? Are you alright?" 

"I'm fine," he says, which is clearly a lie. Any other time, Qui-Gon would immediately call the lie out. But for now, he leans back onto the pillows and looks at Obi-Wan without speaking.

Obi-Wan is very grateful when Anakin returns to the room.

* * *

Making the child sleep on the floor would have been rude and unfair, so Obi-Wan allows Anakin to share his bed. Qui-Gon should not be jostled at the moment, that much is clear. Instead, it is Obi-Wan who is woken from his sleep by the feeling of Anakin tossing and turning in the bed next to him. 

He frowns at the sleeping child and the disturbance he feels coming from him. Gently, he shakes Anakin awake.

"Obi-Wan?" Anakin asks, rubbing his eyes. "Sorry. I woke you up, didn't I?" 

"I'm afraid so. Do you want to talk about your dream?" 

"No. Jedi aren't afraid. Not ever."

"What in the name of the Force gave you that idea?" 

"That's what the books say. The lessons you've been giving me. The Code you had me learn."

That's not what The Code says at all. Obi-Wan tries to think why Anakin would believe this. He can't immediately recall anything in their code that would lead Anakin to that assumption. 

"Mm. You're doing well getting caught up on Basic, but if your take away is that Jedi do not ever experience fear, then I'm afraid you have misinterpreted something."

"There is no emotion, there is peace," Anakin recites immediately, and there's definite frustration in his voice. Obi-Wan suspects it might be directed at him.

"That doesn't mean we don't experience emotion. Emotions - including fear - are natural. As Jedi, we strive to overcome our fear so that it does not consume us."

"The Council... they think I'm going to let it consume me?" Anakin asks. “Is that why I didn’t pass their tests?”

"Once we let it consume us, that is what leads us to the Dark Side," Obi-Wan explains. "And yes, I believe that is what they fear. We have ... lost others that way." 

Anakin bites his lower lip for a moment. Obi-Wan is aware that Qui-Gon is awake in the bed next to them. But Qui-Gon allows their conversation to continue, uninterrupted. Obi-Wan wonders if he is thinking of Xanatos. 

"Have you ever been afraid?" Anakin asks. "You seem like you know _everything_." 

Obi-Wan laughs, though he doesn't mean it cruelly. "You overestimate my knowledge, Anakin. As to your question... yes. I have been afraid many times. Our recent adventure to Naboo made me quite fearful, for example." 

"I had a dream that I lost my mom," Anakin says. "It was ... awful. Is that how afraid you were when Master Jinn almost died?" 

"Similar. I do not have the affection for Master Jinn that a child has for a father, but I was deeply afraid of losing him. But I remembered our teachings, and I conquered that." 

"So you could defeat the Sith." There's wonder in Anakin's voice and Obi-Wan has no idea where it comes from. He achieved nothing that any other Jedi couldn't do. 

"Yes. Had I allowed my fear to overtake me, Darth Maul might have won and neither Qui-Gon nor I would have survived." 

"I'm glad you did," Anakin says quickly. His fear from earlier in the evening is quickly leaving him. "You... do have affection for Master Jinn, right? Even if it's not like I have with my mom?" 

"Of course I do." 

"Then... I don't have to stop loving my mom to be a good Jedi?" 

"You cannot let it consume you. Attachment and love are not the same, Anakin."

"Oh." Anakin seems to consider this. "I don't think Chayera was attached to her boyfriends on Tatooine. I don't' think she let it consume her." 

It takes Obi-Wan a minute to figure out what he's implying. When he does, he sighs heavily. "It's time for bed, youngling." 

"But what if I have another bad dream?"

"It is fortunate then that I am right here."

* * *

The next day, Qui-Gon has an appointment with the healers and Obi-Wan sends Anakin off to discuss the specifics of The Code with Depa. He explains Anakin's confusion over emotions and implores her to do a better job teaching Anakin than Obi-Wan believes he can do.

While he has free time, Obi-Wan goes to the gardens and sits with Luminara.

"It's so peaceful here," she says.

"Much more so than most of Coruscant," Obi-Wan agrees. "Sometimes I wonder why we put our temple in the middle of such a busy place." 

"Closer access to the Senate, most likely." 

"Mm. And yet, we are not politicians." 

They sit in companionable silence for a while. The younglings are in the middle of their lessons, and they have the time to simply enjoy the peacefulness that the gardens bring. 

"How are you getting along with your young charge?" Luminara asks.

"He's not really mine. When Qui-Gon heals, he'll most likely become Qui-Gon's Padawan. If the Council allows it." 

"To hear Anakin tell it, you have been in charge of his lessons." 

"It's temporary," Obi-Wan says assuredly, and he's surprised at the sadness that wells within him at that. "I'm not quite a knight yet, Luminara. I'm not quite ready for a Padawan." 

"Quinlan is thinking of taking one," Luminara tells him, which is the most surprising thing he's heard today. "If he can do it, I'm quite sure that you can as well." 

"Perhaps. But not this one. He'll be Qui-Gon's Padawan. I must confess that I'll miss them both." Obi-Wan sighs and adds, "I'll even miss Anakin's foolish teasing." 

"He's been teasing you?" 

"Oh, just silly things. He's gotten it into his head that my affection for Qui-Gon is not exactly platonic." 

He expects Luminara to laugh or to agree that Anakin's opinion is ridiculous. Instead she says, "You sent Anakin to Depa to study The Code, yes?"

"Yes," Obi-Wan says. "Luminara, I would never break The Code." 

"Mm. You sent him to learn how to overcome his fears, yes?" 

Now Obi-Wan is truly confused by the conversation. "Yes. I told him that the key is to not let fear consume us." 

Luminara smiles at him. "A good lesson," she says. "For both masters and students." 

The denial is on his tongue, but it gets lost due to his shock. "I ... I cannot believe you would accuse me of that," he says. 

"Oh, Obi-Wan. It is not an accusation. It is an observation. But perhaps I should leave you, so you can mediate on how to overcome your fear."

She squeezes his shoulder before leaving him. Alone, Obi-Wan is left feeling very confused and meditation sounds like a fabulous idea.

* * *

When Obi-Wan returns to his quarters, Qui-Gon is there, waiting for him, but Anakin is still with Depa. 

"Oh, Master, sorry. I thought you would take longer with the healers." 

"No need to apologize, Obi-Wan. Come, sit with me a bit, will you? While we still have time to ourselves." 

Obi-Wan goes to sit on the edge of the bed. Each step he takes is one that makes him pointedly aware of the facts that he'd meditated on in the garden. And they _are_ facts. There is simply no getting around that; denying the truth of the matter would be cowardly. It would quite literally be refusing to face his fears. 

That is not the kind of Jedi that Obi-Wan wishes to be. 

"You look like you are feeling better," Obi-Wan says as he sits on the bed. 

"The healers have done much to ensure that, and I have had a wonderful helper these past few days. Someone who has lifted my burdens and allowed me the time I have needed to heal." 

"I could have done nothing less." 

It's true. Obi-Wan cannot imagine being anywhere else. Neither the subject of his trials nor his knighthood have mattered as much as staying in this room and making sure that Qui-Gon ... well. Qui-Gon could have just have easily been left to the healers, couldn't he have? 

Oh, Force. Obi-Wan has been so very foolish. He's stayed here entirely due to his affection for Qui-Gon. There is no other reason, no justification, and no logic that can be argued otherwise. 

Qui-Gon looks at him kindly. "Talk to me, Obi-Wan." 

"I have been foolish, Qui-Gon." Qui-Gon does not answer. He simply waits, as if he senses that Obi-Wan has more to say. Obi-Wan meets his gaze. "You asked if I was afraid of losing you. And I've been forced to realize that I am. What you say is true; knights and masters do sometimes work together. But it was not your company that I was necessarily craving. It was ... it _is_ your affection." 

Qui-Gon's voice is steady as he replies. "Anakin's presence in our lives will not affect the way I feel for you, Obi-Wan." 

"This isn't about Anakin," Obi-Wan says. He knows frustration is seeping into his voice, and he wills himself to be steady. He thinks of the version of The Code Depa is probably teaching Anakin right now. _Emotion, yet peace._

"Then what is it about? I sense that you know, when you did not before." 

"Has my confusion been that apparent?" 

Qui-Gon smiles and the wrinkles around his eyes are comforting and familiar. They are a sign of all of the kindness and wisdom that Obi-Wan came so close to losing. "You are not always very good at concealing your feelings, Obi-Wan."

"Then... you must already know my feelings for you," Obi-Wan says softly. "They are not the emotions of a Padawan for his master." 

Qui-Gon takes Obi-Wan's hand. "Those feelings: do you fear them still?" 

How long has everyone in Obi-Wan's life known about his feelings while Obi-Wan has remained oblivious? "No, Qui-Gon. I am do not fear them. Nor do I deny them. The time for both of those... is over." 

"Good. I have waited patiently for you to reach this point." 

Obi-Wan registers exactly what Qui-Gon is saying and an overwhelming feeling of joy fills Obi-Wan. "You've waited for me?" 

"Yes, my dear Obi-Wan, I have. It was the only right thing to do. Although I am not known for my patience... I trusted that the Force would allow you to confront your feelings. I needed that to happen before I could confess my own. Which, to be clear, are not the ones that a Master is expected to have for a Padawan - or a former Padawan." 

Through his happiness, Obi-Wan does say, "You aren't known for your patience, no."

Qui-Gon chuckles, and it is a sound that makes Obi-Wan even happier than before. "Wait until I am healed, my Obi-Wan. Then I will demonstrate all of the impatience that I am known for to you personally." 

It's a beautiful promise. But in the meantime, Obi-Wan settles for a kiss.


End file.
